In the beginning I felt compelled to fill the emptiness. To achieve this, it seemed only natural to reach for the goals and positions of status that others desired, to follow their direction whilst mine lead me to a deep dark hole. Whilst some of the goals were achievable, others, the positions of status, of cool, of popularity that everyone climbed for, were unobtainable. I longed for sympathy and understanding, I longed to be cared for. As a person, nothing terrible had ever happened, nothing worth crying over or worth mentioning, there was nothing I could say that would make someone take pity on me.
I lay up at nights, and to pass the evenings through which I could never sleep, I began to create a world for myself, a world in which my friends died, a world where I was utterly alone, a world where I was at the end of abuse, at the end of a noose. By developing this world further and further each evening I was eventually able to cry myself into sleep.
It came as a necessity then, to express myself, to give myself some release, to receive sympathy and understanding, to become the person in my dreams.
I found myself empowered with manic force, I found myself liberated, I found hope within. I set about wording the stories that I would tell people, I could be a rock star, a drug addict, I could be anything to anyone. I chose first to tell people I was in a band, this meant I had to play guitar, and have songs that were sung. In order to gain sympathy I began to tell people that my friends had died, that I had been abused… People questioned my need for sympathy from time to time, and so these lies became my defence, became me. I was no longer becoming entwined in my lies, the lies were controlling me, I was divorced from myself, estranged from me, I was my own sick and strange minded twin, I was Dr Cyan.
Dr Cyan made me burn myself in order to feel at one with my old self, he made me cut myself, he made me show people. From time to time I would struggle not to show people, and struggle for control. From time to time I would get hurt. Empathy had become the forbidden fruit that I needed, it was the only fruit that I could eat, and this is how Dr Cyan controlled me.
Im sure other people knew of my lies and discussed them behind my back, how could they not do? But blissful or divorced in the ignorance I imposed upon myself I lived as Dr Cyan, I felt the emotions of Dr Cyan, I spoke as Dr Cyan, I was gone.
I had turned in on my mind, learned to hate myself, and now that needed to become part of Dr Cyan as well. There was no longer any need to try to control myself, I had accepted fate, I had accepted what I was. I was the evil that drove this body to do its wicked things, I was Dr Cyan.
As time passed, friends began to see other qualities, began to give a fuck about me. I began to enjoy some things. I found the value in goodness, in God, in me. It became a necessity to remove this Dr Cyan, to cast him aside and become one with myself, to become me. I wrestled with the darkness, the twin, cast him down and tossed him aside. I had survived three years of restlessness, anxiety, fear and self-loathing in order to forgive myself, dispose of Dr Cyan and was eventually done with him. Although it appears that he is not yet done with me…
In the beginning I gave you new hope and fulfilled you, I gave you respect amongst your piers, I gave you understanding and light in a dark place.
Because of me, people took pity on you, and poured their hearts and minds into your troubles, people tried to help you.
I cushioned you in the warmth of my tears. I held you and opened you into my life. Long would I watch you as you lay restless in bed, as you tossed and turned your head, drowning in your sweat. How could I stand there, do nothing, be nothing while you needed my help? I took pity on you.
I found you, when every night you were awake and alone, when nothing ever slept. I created a world for you, a world where darkness wove a duvet to comfort you, where eventually in my darkness you could sleep.
You were never happy, never free until I gave you my love and you became me. I gave you purpose and the ability to help yourself, I am your first great creation, your first great self.
I empowered you with my promise and delivered you from dishonerable death, from your descent.
I made you a rock star, I made you, I am you. I found you drugs and taught you the guitar. I let your mother die 5 times a year, I let you be abused, I made you the victim, and how you gained your sympathy, oh how they tried to show their understanding.
If you had not been so curious, so attached to yourself; you would have had no need to use pain to try to reconnect yourself to that weakling that you once were, that freak that you are now. If you could have just given yourself over and let go of your emotions, your attachments and your self. If you could have done as I told you then you could have been at peace within, you could have been all the things that you ever dreamed of, that you need to be, that you should rightfully be; but instead you had to struggle.
It is of no consequence what others think and say about you, they mean nothing, nothing to you at all. What have others done for you? At best they have allowed themselves to be milked by you, to be fed from when the emotion had to be ripped from their hearts with a plethora of lies. They were like walking statues, chess pieces, they were nothing, they were worthless.
As time passed you began to hate me after all that I had done for you, after all I had given you. I felt rejected, abandoned, alone. You made me do things to hold you, do things so that you would hate you, do things to hold on to you, do things to break you.
You have come to treat me as this demon that possessed you, that made you do these things. You created me, shaped me, and tossed me aside like an unwanted toy, tossed me aside for this God. All I ever did was care for you in they ways that I knew I could, and you have returned this favour by casting me aside and leaving me here, alone in the darkness with nothing and no-one. You abandoned me. You are all I have, you are my link to the world, you wonder why I return, when you are the only thing that can help me.
